Suicide Note

                                    I finished my third full-length EAMCET exam for medicine at Sri Chaitanya college in BHEL. I tried my best to do well in the exam. The last two tests were an utter failure. My poor English and Telugu medium education are making it difficult for me to understand the lectures and in turn making my life worse in consuming the textbooks. I put 200% effort to do well in the exam but I am not sure why I am not doing well.  A bad report on the current test results will relegate me to the last section in the college.

I was very hardworking and good student in school.  I was topper of my Mandal in the SSC results.  Everyone had confidence in me that one day I would be proud son of my parents. I come from an economically backward family of a forward caste of a least developed region of Telangana. My parents are agricultural labourers. We are three siblings and I am the eldest of them. I believed that if I set a right example then brother and sister would follow me. My parents believed only education can help us out of our misery.

But the fate had a different story for me. I did not do well in the test. I am now in the last section in our batch. After topping classes year after year in school,  it feels sad to be the last of the batch. Even then I did not lose hope. I sat down on the empty first bench of the last class.  The fight is still on. I concentrated more,  read more,  followed every lecture with a follow-up notes making. I kept encouraging myself even when I am low on confidence.  There came another test.  I did well. Yes,  I did well in my class but when compared to others I am still a way behind. Tests after tests,  situation did not change. Probably I never learnt.  Probably I will never learn.

It was summer and the end of my first year at junior college. I lost the hope of getting a medicine seat. I talked about it with my friend from the first section. He was poor like me but talented.  The thing is that he is not interested in medical education and did not have any aspiration to be a doctor. According to him,  Doctors are blood sucking leeches. His views are his but I think he can be a good doctor if he works hard for the entrance exam.

I returned home for the summer. I had all the books with me. I started studying in the summer again. My mother and father are working under the scorching sun so that they can pay for our food. One day,  the head of the village visited our house. It's not a nice visit.  He has come to ask the money he lent.  The money which paid my first-year education.  The amount for which interest has doubled. My father pleaded him to give him some more time so that he could arrange for it. I kept thinking about it. What does my father have to repay the money back?

We got 3 cows. They can sell for a maximum of 50000. It does not even pay half of the money lent. How will my father get another loan for my second year? And I am not doing well at all. I talked to my mother that I will stop my education and work along with them. My mother did not like it. She wants her son to be a doctor. I am more worried than ever. I do not want to be the wrong example for my siblings. I tried again and talked to my father and mother. They do not want their son to miss the privilege of having a good education at the expense of their financial inability to support it. They are the only ones I have.

I do not know what to do.  I do not want my parents to struggle further. I do not want my family to have debts mounting for a futile cause. Though I tell my parents,  they would not listen. Once my siblings come to junior college,  the burden is going to triple. I do not want to be the burden anymore. And I can not run away from them. I can not stay with them and see their suffering. I can not go to college and create a financial hurdle to my family. What should I do now? 

Oh God,  here I come!!!