what does one want?

Thanks to my move to Dublin for my MBA. One of the first things I did as part of our orientation program is to go through Myers and Briggs and get to know my personality. I am an ESTJ.

An ESTJ is an extrovert with a dominant thinking function who works on data from external environment and judges the course of action. Basically, an ESTJ is a responsible person who loves new processes and procedures and outgoing. He is kind of supervisor and loves to be part of events. 

The downside, he sticks to his values and views. He opposes everything which is against his views. He expects the same from everyone what he expects from himself. But not a monarch. Under stress, his inferior feeling function takes over. He makes many frustrated comments when it happens. People around an ESTJ should understand this and comfort him.

Currently, I am under a kind of stress - not because of the course, but something personal. I write this to work out what is happening to me. Whenever I questioned myself about what I want. I always used to have a clear answer. But now, I do not.

What does one want?  A career-oriented life? A blissful personal life? A balanced life? a lazy life? A exotic life? A traveling life? - I want a balanced life but I was more of care oriented person. What did change me? 

Once I started working at Deloitte and started traveling, I enjoyed the initial few days. It was exciting. Most of the people I came across were more family oriented and less career oriented. I used to ask them 'Family will always be with us - but career does not - make hay when the sun shines'. During one such trip to China, my grandmother just left this world. I traveled miles to come and see her. Against the customs, I was the one who cremated her. That was the most touching point of my life. It made me think about life. Is life only work? is it more than that?

There was a person less in my life now. My mother, brother, grandmother and I used to be 4 pillars of family. A roof cannot stand on 3 pillars. It will be pillaged. This made me spend more time with my family. I took my grandmother's role. I started being 2 persons - one a workaholic and the other family loving. That helped me reached a balanced point in my life. But again, the question - 'What do I want?' still lingers. It is still. I do not know when I will find the answer to this question. Maybe, I have to search for the 4th pillar. Maybe not. 

Where are you hiding?

My Love line

For a guy, who does not believe in love, the headline is nothing but a play of words - My Love line!!

What is love? From juvenile answers ('Mother's love is the only love') to more mature responses('There is 'nothing' called love'), I have heard them all. Did I get an answer? An answer which shuts my mouth?

The questions I kept asking myself - Did I love? Do I love? Does anyone love me? I always asked wrong questions. Wrong questions give you wrong answers! The correct questions are - Is she the 'one'? Can I live with her for a 'lifetime'? Am I the 'one' for her?

Once I realized, I searched for her. I searched everywhere - Deloitte, College, Hyderabad, and a hell lot of places. I had interests in some and I liked some. Interests change as did my food tastes. Once I dislike someone, it is hard to like the person again. None of my likes or interests helped me find the one.

I believe 'Love is a cage if it is a happy cage you will be happy in it forever. If it is a sad cage, you will wait for the cage doors to open'. I took my steps cautiously. Just like the lyrics in 'What is love?', I was scared that my love would hurt me.

Should I really be scared? Given that I did not find her yet. Or did I find her? Why am I so scared? Why will she hurt me? Am I not mature enough to handle the pain? How do I know? Is there a test or an assessment? I used to believe a fight between heart and mind is poetic as it is the mind which does the job. or is it not?

I came to terms that there is no real love. love is just a word which is used to express your feelings of belonging to someone. Even friendship is. Is not friendship purer than love? As a friend, you will have your complete freedom to follow what you want to. Do we really have it in love relationship? As a friend, you can sacrifice for your friend without a second thought and you will never make your friend a reason for your failures. Don't we curse each every day in a love relationship? You never expect anything from a friend yet you will have your best moments with that friend. Don't we expect to love every day in a love relationship? It goes on.

This very reason led me to find the 'one' among my friends. I had the same 3 questions to answer - Is she the 'one'? Can I live with her for a 'lifetime'? Am I the 'one' for her? Three simple questions with difficult answers. Am I successful in my endeavor? Did I find her? Did she find me? Time tells.

One thing, I want you to digest - If your heart(read mind) knows the right person, you won't stop. If your mind knows how you will spend the rest of your life with that person, no one can stop you. Believe me, search for that friend, you won't be disappointed. Even if you fail, you will be happy because you did not let yourself down. I won't let myself down. And you don't.