what does one want?

Thanks to my move to Dublin for my MBA. One of the first things I did as part of our orientation program is to go through Myers and Briggs and get to know my personality. I am an ESTJ.

An ESTJ is an extrovert with a dominant thinking function who works on data from external environment and judges the course of action. Basically, an ESTJ is a responsible person who loves new processes and procedures and outgoing. He is kind of supervisor and loves to be part of events. 

The downside, he sticks to his values and views. He opposes everything which is against his views. He expects the same from everyone what he expects from himself. But not a monarch. Under stress, his inferior feeling function takes over. He makes many frustrated comments when it happens. People around an ESTJ should understand this and comfort him.

Currently, I am under a kind of stress - not because of the course, but something personal. I write this to work out what is happening to me. Whenever I questioned myself about what I want. I always used to have a clear answer. But now, I do not.

What does one want?  A career-oriented life? A blissful personal life? A balanced life? a lazy life? A exotic life? A traveling life? - I want a balanced life but I was more of care oriented person. What did change me? 

Once I started working at Deloitte and started traveling, I enjoyed the initial few days. It was exciting. Most of the people I came across were more family oriented and less career oriented. I used to ask them 'Family will always be with us - but career does not - make hay when the sun shines'. During one such trip to China, my grandmother just left this world. I traveled miles to come and see her. Against the customs, I was the one who cremated her. That was the most touching point of my life. It made me think about life. Is life only work? is it more than that?

There was a person less in my life now. My mother, brother, grandmother and I used to be 4 pillars of family. A roof cannot stand on 3 pillars. It will be pillaged. This made me spend more time with my family. I took my grandmother's role. I started being 2 persons - one a workaholic and the other family loving. That helped me reached a balanced point in my life. But again, the question - 'What do I want?' still lingers. It is still. I do not know when I will find the answer to this question. Maybe, I have to search for the 4th pillar. Maybe not. 

Where are you hiding?